Crossroads

 

The greatest dilemma that I faced happened at the most unexpected time of my life. I wasn’t certain about the exact place or time, but I am pretty sure of the person involved. The only time I got so confused and really didn’t know what to do.

This is my story.

I met her at the campus. We were sophomores then. She was my classmate, but a few months had passed, and still we hadn’t talked. Maybe we were both shy then. I’ve known her through my friend who also happened to be her friend, and then we got along. Our time spent together was not that long, but I must say I got to know her better.

We got along just fine and became closer and closer as days went by. I'm just realizing it by now, and it amazes me the most to reminisce about the moments we spent together. Time after time, day by day, we got closer and closer. I can say that I invested my full trust in her and in everything that she could do. And I told myself that I would do the best I could to protect and never lose the friendship.

We saw each other everyday: before, during, and after class (of course, because she’s my classmate). We ate together with our friends. We went out and strolled. We talked over the phone and sent each other text messages almost everyday. We talked about everything under the sun. We laughed at small funny things we saw or remembered. We imagined as far as our minds could reach. We got to know each other better by telling stories of our lives and even love life. We opened up about our problems and tried to loosen the situation by coming up with the right decisions. We made kulitans and harutans almost every time. We had fun and obviously enjoyed each other's company. In short, she’s really my best friend. I noticed that our closeness was getting more intact. We saw each other more often than before, and we spent almost 12 hours everyday being together, talking, laughing, and making fun of everything we did. I had more concern for her than before. I got worried when she’s away and if she’s sick. I wanted to give the best help I could give whenever she needed it. If only I could give her all she wanted to have, I would. But I think the best thing I could do and the only thing I am supposed to do is to be the best “friend” to her and give her the greatest company to enjoy.

That was what I believed in until I found someone. Well, the term is not actually “found” and is also not “met.” Hmmm, I think the best line would be, “I realized that there’s this someone”—someone I**'ve been** with at the sad and fun moments of my life, someone I’ve enjoyed talking to, someone who cheers me up when I’m down, someone who sympathizes with me when I feel bad, someone who supports me in the things I want to do, someone who appreciates my works, someone who gets mad when I'm doing something wrong, someone kind, understanding, easy to get along with. Someone I began to trust, someone I started to like, someone I’m falling for… YES, what you're thinking is right. I fell in love with My Best Friend… My Someone…

And I don’t know how to feel about it… should I smile because we are best friends, or should I cry because we will never be anything more? How can I let the feelings go if they're haunting me to stay? How can I move on if my heart will always crave that one special moment? Those are just some of the questions hanging in my mind, and I can’t find answers to these, no matter what I do, no matter where I go, no matter whom I ask, no matter how long I wait. The answer can be found nowhere—not in my pocket, not in my bag, not in my room, not in the forest, not with the moon and stars above, nor even in the deepest ocean, but inside just TWO HEARTS. TWO HEARTS that are afraid to take some steps forward to a commitment. A commitment that may make or break the friendship that was built for years and nurtured two individuals. A friendship that has reached the very extent of it, which is now hard to put at risk.

How can I make a move so as not to lose this friendship if a bigger part of me wants to take bigger steps to that so-called love? Here I am standing with lots of questions needing answers, with my craving heart wishing to find the missing puzzle to complete my life. It is very hard to be in a situation like this. You wouldn’t be able to decide where to go and which direction you would take…

And then…

Finally…

…we chose to take bigger steps forward… we got along together, and it was fine. We became attached until an impulsive act happened…

And in just a few minutes, a few hurting words, and an irrational decision, the love and friendship we’ve built were shattered. We haven’t talked for a long time.

We're both hurt, but I admit that she was a bit responsible for such a wrong decision, and I was a coward to talk to her because I was protecting myself. I’ve learned from that, and I realized it was the right time to patch things up. A long silence took place before we could talk, and when we did, I couldn’t help but smile—a smile brought about by happiness and regrets. Regrets that if only I’d done something about that incident. But then I knew I had to accept the fact that what had happened was really hard to forget. So we decided to just try to forget it and bring back what we had before as much as we could. But despite all those major offenses, I don’t know, but I did not feel even a bit of gap after we talked. Actually, I felt we treated each other as if nothing happened. I guess the foundation of our friendship was built so strongly that nothing on earth could ever destroy it and it grew even stronger with the help of that situation. And what's more unbelievable was that she neither thought of any move to make me forgive her nor even tried to ask if I had already forgiven her, which should have been bothering me from the very first minute after our conversation. Action speaks louder than words, as they say, and I’ve seen it through the little things she has done. And I told myself that I would do the best I could to protect and never lose the friendship again.

This would be the last time that I would be in this place where confused people can be found. And it is very hard to be in a situation like this. You wouldn’t be able to decide where to go and which direction you would take. This is probably the last because I don’t want to be here again, not anymore. I don’t want myself to be found once more in this place called... “CROSSROADS.”